u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I think I sprained my soul last night
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Randomize