By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
