my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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