I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
