He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
