This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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