you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
