i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
