were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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