Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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