At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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