Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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