Ambien. No doubt about it.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
