If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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