If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
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