I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
