she is the kim kardashian of front butts
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Floor bacon is actually really good
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
