well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
