They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i think i have herpe
just one?
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
