Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
