the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
