She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Your dad touched me again.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Randomize
