Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
