I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
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