Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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