Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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