I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
