And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
