I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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