I'm jealous of your bromance
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
