before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize