My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
