I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
