watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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