he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
