Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
