I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
