I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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