Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
