did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
