Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
