Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I was not drunk enough for that final.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
