I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
