So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Randomize
