I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
