grandma shit on top of the toilet
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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