unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
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