I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
