Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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