I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
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