I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
