I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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