This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
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