good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I fill condoms, not promises.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Randomize
