Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
