I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
