wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
