If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
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