The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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