I got chris browned last night
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
