I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
